Am I really as neurotic as I feel?

4 + 4

Happy four year anniversary (plus four days) to me!

Wow.  Four years.  Crazy!

Posted by: greeneyes at 08:09 | link | comments (3)

Posted by: greeneyes at 07:45 | link | comments (4)

Best Valentine's Day ever.  Beautiful pink roses delivered to work, he got me tickets on the floor (row 20!) for the Michael Buble concert in April (yes, I've seen him twice already, but the boy understands my obsession, or at least accepts it...oh, and he says the tickets are just a surprise and not related to V-day).  The real presents were a Frank Sinatra DVD and an Ansel Adams book...he's good.  We went to the basketball game (we lost, but oh well), and the rest of the night did not disappoint.

Posted by: greeneyes at 08:24 | link | comments (4)

I was perusing my first entries to this blog, posted almost four years ago.  Four years.  Wow.  One of them (the third one, actually) made reference to not letting myself fall in love.  I kind of chuckled to myself when I read that line.  I've long had a fear of intimacy.  Don't get me wrong...I love my friends, I hug them, they know a lot about me.  But I've also noticed that I tend to hold back in most relationships.  I have various theories for this, and there isn't much reason for me to go into those right now, because that's not what this entry is about.  Or maybe it is.  I'm actually not entirely sure where this blog will end up.

Anyway.  Fear of intimacy.  Right.  My last serious relationship was, by and large, a disaster, for lack of a better word.  He definitely had his good traits, of course, but they were outweighed by the not-so-good traits (drinking, lying, cheating, manipulating), and unfortunately I was unable to tear myself away from him until after the breakup.  The guy I'm dating now has eerily similar good traits as the last one...and none of the bad ones, as far as I can tell.  In fact, I'm trying to figure out his fatal flaw (not a good tactic, admittedly) and the best I can come up with is he apologizes for things that aren't his fault (for example, I may be coming down with a cold right now, and he said he was sorry when he's not the one who got me sick).  He's sweet, funny, generous, attentive, gentlemanly, genuine, and so far all of my friends approve (even the overprotective male friends who have done the "I've got my eye on you, Focker" bit...they have, seriously).  I feel more comfortable with him as we spend more time together.

And part of me is freaking out.

That part has gotten smaller, thankfully, but there's still an urge in the back of my head to run.  It's hard giving your heart to someone, and why it was so easy to give it to someone when I knew he was going to break it before we even got serious, I'll never know.  I know I thought I could change him.  But this one...The Boy.  I don't have that urge...not yet, anyway.  My heart is holding back when we're apart...not so much when we're together.  I love the way I fit into his arm.  The way he lightly drags his fingertips along the palm of my hand, which drives me absolutely wild.  The way he never hesitates to compliment various parts of my body.  The warmth of his body.  I'm actually a little nervous about holding his gaze for too long...perhaps because of what I might see.  But then I think it's far too soon.  But maybe it's not.

I wonder if this fear thing is somehow a twist on the adage that we hurt the ones we love.  Or if this is normal.  I'm sure it is, but gosh, normal feels weird sometimes.

Posted by: greeneyes at 23:19 | link | comments (4)