I'm a jumble of neuroses--some good, some bad, some just plain weird. I love the Iowa Hawkeyes. I'm intensely loyal to my friends. I would love to earn a living by traveling around the world taking pictures. It's a difficult journey to the center of my soul. Several have tried, none have succeeded, and a few have nearly exhausted themselves in the process. I'm not an open book, but sometimes I read like one. I like dogs.
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http://wtdm.motime.com/post/489256
My friend, the one with cancer who was given a year to live, has a goal: to go to every Iowa football game this year, home and away, because this could very well be his last season. He didn't have season tickets, but he wrote a letter to the Iowa athletic ticket office explaining his situation, thinking maybe they'd have a season ticket or random tickets to each game he could buy. He received a letter from the ticket office today...along with 2 free season tickets. The sun's definitely shining today.
Yeah, it hurts. No, I'm not surprised. Once again I get to go through a mini-bout of depression, even though I know it has nothing to do with me...it's not that I'm that replaceable, it's not that I wasn't good enough (in fact, I was too good for him, which I think made him uneasy), he's just crazy. And he needs to be with someone crazy. Well, she fits the mold to a T. If she knew the truth...well, she probably wouldn't want to be with him. And it's tempting to tell her, believe me, especially after the shit she pulled. I'm sure she thinks she's special, but in reality she was cheated on just like all the other girlfriends (except the one). And I would love nothing more than to let her know about our 5 weeks of my time with him...sneaking away from work, the occasional sleepover while she was out of town. Oh, and after they broke up (she was still living there at the time) how I went over to help put a TV stand together and we had sex in her bed. I wasn't expecting to do anything...he's the one who brought it up. It is soooo tempting to tell her, or to simply say "You're so concerned about the truth? Ask him about the truth, if you really want to know." I'd like to think I'm better than that. I really hope I am. But a small part of me wishes I wasn't.
I know I'm better off without him, that I deserve so much more than he could ever imagine giving me. But the situation still hurts, because I've pretty much lost a friend, someone I considered my best.
The friend I mentioned in an earlier post, the one who had cancer...well, it turns out he's been given a year. So that really sucks.
It kills me you have a problem, whether you can actually admit it to anybody or not. It kills me that I'm afraid to talk to you about it...just typing what I feel and think is difficult. It kills me that if I were to talk to you about it, or if you were to read this, that you could decide to not be my friend at all. But I can't do nothing. When other people think the same thing, when someone who meets you one time asks if you always drink that much...as much as I want to deny it, as much as I have denied it, I can't. Not anymore. This may come off as a "hell hath no fury" kind of thing, but it's not. I'm typing this as a friend, as someone who cares so much about you that I would do just about anything for you, even if that anything is risking everything we have between us (which admittedly isn't much right now) by this lone blog. My heart is breaking, my tears are pouring, but I can't hold the things I'm about to say in any longer.
You drink too much. When was the last time you went a day without a single drink? Or with fewer than three drinks in a day? I know I'm not the only one who's brought this up to you, and I know how you reacted the other times, which is why I refrained...that and I kept trying to deny it. The ever-present drink in your hand whether you're at home or out. The rough mornings. The "falling asleep." The depression. The times we've heard "I said that? I don't remember that." The DUI. The outbursts of anger. The heavy drinking on the day you meet your girlfriend's parents, stressing her out so much she cries half the way to their house while you're "asleep" in the passenger seat. It affects so many aspects of your life. What child wants to be around someone who drinks all the time, especially when that can lead to the aforementioned outbursts of anger? Coming home and yelling at your daughter to the point where she doesn't feel safe and not even remembering what you said. The alcohol doesn't make you angry...but it does lessen your self-control. You know even better than I do what an alcohol problem can do to a family, and I don't for the life of me understand how you can keep doing this. I know it's easier this way, I know it's a habit, I know you have so much other shit going on in your life, why can't we just let you focus on one thing at a time? Maybe you should try focusing on this, maybe the other shit wouldn't be so bad, maybe you'd be able to handle the shit better. I don't know. But I know you have a problem. Do you want your daughter to drink as much as you? Do you want me to start drinking as much as you? If you answered no, then what makes it okay for you to drink as much as you do? You're stronger than that. I know you are.
I don't know what else to say. I hope you don't hate me because of what I've typed, or because I'm not strong enough to tell you in person. If you do, I can't hate you. I want you to be happy. I want you to be healthy. I want you to be able to live the life you deserve. I think you're shortchanging yourself and the people around you by drinking so much. You are an amazing person whether you truly believe that or not. You taught me more than you realize, and I love you for everything you've done for me and with me. In some respects you have set the bar pretty high for future loves. I just wish tolerance wasn't one of those bars.
One "yes" response suggests a possible alcohol problem. If you responded "yes" to more than one question, it is highly likely that a problem exists. In either case, it is important that you see your doctor or other health care provider right away to discuss your responses to these questions.
If you are even slightly concerned about your drinking, and if you answered "yes" to any of the questions above, think about these other attributes common to alcoholism:
Alcohol abuse is a pattern otherwise known as "problem drinking." The behavioral warning signs of alcohol abuse are:
Alcoholism, also known as alcohol dependence, differs from the alcohol abuse pattern in three critical ways. It is:
The symptoms of alcoholism include those of alcohol abuse plus four serious additional symptoms:
The hardest part of love isn't loving someone, but having the courage to let them love you back.
Well, I don’t think she made you something you aren’t. You have most likely always suppressed your happiness because feeling miserable has felt so much better. Of course it is easier to hate and not let anyone in, it is easier that way. Right? I mean you let someone in and it made life harder than you could have ever expected.
I'm...I don't know what I am, or how I am. There are moments when I'm not even entirely sure who I am. Sometimes I'm okay, sometimes I'm convinced I'm not strong enough to get through this unscathed, and sometimes I want to cry but nothing comes out. Such is depression. I'm not eating much...or maybe I was just eating too much before, and now I'm eating how much I'm supposed to. I've lost at least a few pounds in the past few days, which means I'm probably not drinking enough water. I just don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing much of anything, I guess, though I did manage to read a few chapters of a book earlier, so that's an accomplishment, I suppose.
I just found out that a friend (well, a message board acquaintance...someone I met a few years ago and has been just a name since) has cancer...I don't know what type, just that he's been in the hospital and underwent a bunch of treatments and is pretty much broke. He didn't even tell us (us = message board people...I'm such a lerd...loser/nerd) until after the fact. And even then, he just said "I've been sick" and didn't offer details. So I find out a little bit more of the story...his girlfriend of a year and a half just dumped him, and he's the one telling me that I'll feel better and to keep my chin up. This, of course, throws me into a fit of bawling (albeit a short-lived fit) because here I am...freshly single, struggling with mostly just that, and somebody who is incredibly sick and on the verge of bankruptcy is telling me that things will get better. I feel bad for feeling bad about myself. My selfishness has been highlighted. Probably a cousin of survivor's guilt, I imagine. But still, I sit here in my misery, feeling bad about feeling bad. Apparently the feeling bad about feeling bad is not bad enough to stop me from feeling bad about my life. Could things be worse? Absolutely, in various ways and on multiple levels. But that doesn't make things any easier for me.
The pain you feel tonight is a pain we cannot heal,
A bandaid will not change the way you feel.
We will laugh with you, cry with you, and sometimes even swear,
This board is filled w/ friends like me...we're not going anywhere.
The one you loved is to whom tonight you had to say goodbye,
He no longer holds your wings so open them and fly.
Keep in your heart those feelings of hope, faith and love,
And keep an eye out for that special one from signs up above.
Look for a bird chirping in a tree when you wake in the morn,
And remember how good roses smell, as you look past the thorn.
I hope when you lay down tonight and attempt to close your eyes,
That you realize that the world still has plenty of good guys.
You'll wake tomorrow with an ache that will seem too much to take,
Get up, fight thru it, and continue to search, for the next guys sake.
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