Am I really as neurotic as I feel?

Time for a vacation

Go away, no worries, relax, clear the mind.  I'd like to take a trip with him...just the two of us...but with his schedule, that won't happen any time soon.  Ah, well....such is life.  Even vacations aren't always relaxing.  I just need to find a new hobby...

Posted by: greeneyes at 10:28 | link | comments (2)

You have a house.  You really like the house; it fits you quite nicely.  Is it perfect for you?  No, but you still like it.  Will you live in the house forever?  Not likely, but you enjoy living in it now.  It has its faults...a tad older, perhaps, a few dings here and there, and maybe it needs a little foundation work.  But it has character...charm...coziness...it's hard not to like it.

 

One day a tornado comes through.  It doesn't destroy the house, or you, but it does cause a fair amount of damage.  Do you rebuild or start over someplace else?  It's a tough decision.  You've been through a lot with the house, and it's hard to face the prospect of not having that house at all.  On the other hand, it could get hit by another tornado, which could cause even more damage...irreparable damage...even if the tornado isn't as strong as the last...the house is shaken enough that it wouln't take much to topple it.  You're torn.

 

Finally you decide to rebuild...to keep the house.  It takes a lot of hard work to fix it back up...a long, slow process that leaves you wondering if it ever ends.  You can't help but wonder if it is the same old house, if you will be the same old owner.  Maybe it won't be; maybe you won't be.  You have doubts, to be sure.  Will the house do what it can to protect you?  Will it let you down again?  You don't know for sure, as nobody can know anything for sure.  But you take that leap...blindfolded if need be...fingers crossed...a few tears...hoping, hoping, hoping you don't land on your face this time.

Posted by: greeneyes at 16:42 | link | comments

 I wish I were amazing.  I wish I could walk into the room and make people stop and turn and admire me.  I wish I were somebody's hero.  I wish I never gave up so easily.  I wish I could be the person I always dreamed I would be.  I wish I could be an amazingly kind person, that person people talk about as the one who never says a bad thing about anyone.  I wish I could figure out what I'm passionate about.  I wish I could figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life, what purpose I serve.  I wish I could laugh how I used to...rolling on the floor, tears pouring out of my eyes, snorting like crazy...I think that's something people grow out of, which is sad.  I wish I could make people happy the way they're supposed to be happy.  I wish I could be braver.  I wish I could be more outgoing.  I wish I could be more relaxed.  I wish I had more self-discipline.  I wish I didn't feel inadequate around the petite pretty girls.  I wish I were smarter...or at least as smart as I used to think I was.  I wish I read more.  I wish I were a faster reader.  I wish my reading comprehension were better.  I wish I didn't automatically assume the absolute worst in almost every situation.  I wish I had better posture.  I wish I had a flatter stomach and smaller thighs.  I wish I knew what I wanted out of life.  I wish I could wake up and go to sleep without a feeling of dread.  I wish I didn't hyperventilate so much.



Now the question is...if any of those wishes came true...would I be the same person I am right this very moment?

If all of these wishes came true, would I feel fulfilled?  Would I be happier?  More content?  Or would changing one aspect of who I am, even if it's the tiniest of tiny aspects, change my life in more dramatic ways?  The ways may not appear immediately...the effects may not be realized for years...but like the chaos theory, would changing a part of who I am have a ripple effect?

Say, for example, I had a better body.  Not that I hate my body, mind you...quite the contrary.  I am self-conscious about a few things, as people are wont to do.  Say I was born a "pretty person."  Again, I think I'm pretty, but I don't consider myself a "pretty person."  You know the type...people are drawn to them, they're attractive, they seemingly don't have to work as hard for what they've achieved...things are handed to them.  Say I was one of them.  Would I appreciate myself (and others) as much as I do now?  Would I appreciate hard work?  Would I appreciate those who work hard and those who have truly earned their place in life and ache for those who have worked so hard their entire lives and don't get the accolades or money or vacation time they so richly deserve.  Would I have such a deep appreciation for my parents, who have given up so much and been through enough to crumble a weaker person and been so strong and patient and wonderful?  Would I be able to look at almost anybody for just a moment and see at least a glimmer of the beauty they possess, regardless of their attractiveness?    Would I be able to look at my past accomplishments and know that I earned each one of them...it was my hard work, my time, my effort that led me to such achievements...I'm not left wondering if someone gave me a better grade on a paper because I was the pretty girl.


I can't say for sure that I would be.  Which is why, despite my faults and my need for improvement in multiple areas and varying levels of dissatisfaction and anxiety and obsessive thoughts and constant worrying and bad habits and the like, I pretty much like who I am.  Sure, I wish all those aforementioned things, and some of those may come true and my life could quite possibly be better as a result, but I'm proud of who I am.  I can look at myself in the mirror and not be ashamed.  I don't regret my past, I don't regret what I've been through, I don't want to chage things that have happened to me.  Everything that has happened in the past has made me who I am today.  Every event, every person to walk into my life, every person to leave my life, every decision has made me me.


I like me.

Posted by: greeneyes at 22:29 | link | comments (1)

Which Greek Goddess am I?

 

Posted by: greeneyes at 18:10 | link | comments

Black River

Oh, Black River
Gonna take my cares away
Whoa, Black River
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take a my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take a my cares away

Oh, dear savior
Gonna take my cares away
Whoa, dear savior
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away

Oh, sweet whiskey, lord
Gonna take my cares away
Whoa sweet whiskey lord
You're gone gonna take my cares a way
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away
Gonna take my cares gonna carry my cares
Gonna take my cares away

You're gonna take my bottle, my bible, my mess
You're gonna take all of my empty and my loneliness
Gonna take all of that sadness inside of me
Gonna take it all and set me free

Oh, Black River
Gonna take my cares a way

Posted by: greeneyes at 10:24 | link | comments