Am I really as neurotic as I feel?

I love it when whatever hope you had fizzles out like a dud bottle rocket.

Like I said, it would be easier to deal with the lows if I got to go through the highs once in a while. But I don't, so I find myself becoming a shell and putting up a wall. It's like I've been dipped into a vat of benzocaine...I'm just becoming numb...or maybe I just want to become numb. I don't get incredibly happy or angry right now...but I still feel the pain. Maybe if I sit in the benzocaine a little longer...

Posted by: greeneyes at 08:31 | link | comments

My friend B has good parents; they're sort of like another set of parents for me. One thing that bugged me about them (especially her mom), however, was that they would often make her decisions for her...babying her, coddling her, not letting her grow up, in a sense. Towards the end of her first year of college, she started dating D. D's a nice guy, but we (her friends) had one major problem with him: he would make almost all of her decisions for her. He took the place of her mom. He would decide anything from whether she should put new socks on (this was during a long bike ride and her socks were sweaty) to what grad schools she should apply to and what she should get her master's in. We recognized this, of course, and sort of hinted to her what was going on. But we didn't really want to drive a wedge between us and her, so we let her be. She seemed to be pretty happy, and D wasn't a bad person, so we left it alone.



D broke up with her after about 3 years. She called me after talking to her mom and one of her friends from college. She was still upset, of course. I explained to her that we did see the dysfunction in their relationship (how he took the place of her mom, basically running her life, etc.) and she couldn't figure out why none of us told her. And why she couldn't see what was going on. We had sort of tried to clue her in, but I told her that if we had set her down and explain the situation she was in to her, it would have likely put a wedge between us. Sort of a "you're just jealous I have a great guy" thing or "I'll prove you guys wrong and stay with him forever" thing...something like that. This would have driven her closer to D and farther from us, and of course we didn't want that. I also told her that it's hard to see things for what they are when you're in that particular situation. You see what you want ("blinded by love"), and if it makes you happy, so be it (provided there's no abuse going on, of course). We just let the relationship cycle run its course.


Not entirely sure where I'm going with this...this could be a meandering menagerie of thoughts.


Being on the outside of something allows one to analyze it, notice the nuances, see the (dys)function. It's also a great way to learn from others' mistakes. Over the years, I've figured out a list of various traits I want in a mate...not by dating (that would require me going out in a more-than-friendly way with someone of the opposite sex, and the dating gods have decided not to bless me in this area...oh, and I suppose not actively pursuing males could have something to do with that as well) but by observing.


However, all this observation (and an almost pathetic lack of participation on my part) has resulted in an unfortunate side effect. I've developed a fear of intimacy. On the somewhat rare occasion I get emotionally attached to someone, or make the effort to show some interest in someone, or get my hopes up, I wind up getting rejected or hurt. Sometimes the pain almost reaches my threshold; other times it’s nothing more than a foggy memory shortly after it happens. I told him a little while ago that I was going to go back to being a cynical, cold-hearted bitch. He said he couldn’t imagine me like that. My response was that it’s easier not to get your hopes up than get hurt all the time. Yes, it is kind of a sad way to go through life, as he blatantly pointed out (I expect nothing less from him). He would rather take the lows with the highs; this is something I could deal with, I think, except for the fact that I don’t really experience the highs. The highs of friendship, yes, almost every day. But not the highs of an intimate relationship, where I can look into his eyes and get tingles and feel emotions I’ve only heard whispers about and relax next to him on the couch while we watch a movie and fall asleep with my head on his lap and wake up to see his face and be perfectly content (except that I missed part of the movie). I’ve had brief glimpses of that, where the line between friendship and lovers became a blur, an idea, something to think about after the fact. But that ended, and the pain ensued. There could possibly be a remote chance of the line blurring again in the future (and this time we wouldn’t even have to hide it)…but how much hope do I have? I want it; I want him. I’m not sure there’s anything that can change that. But if I do get my hopes up…and nothing comes of this…and there’s always that doubt in my mind, a constant “what if?” faintly echoing past my ears…more unrequited emotion…more lows…then what?


Sometimes I wish I could just turn my mind off, if just for a moment of serenity.

Posted by: greeneyes at 17:45 | link | comments (1)

Sky Mall Catalog, ala Tim Bedore

Sure, these aren't as good as Tim Bedore's slogans for Sky Mall Catalog items, but it was a good way to pass the time while flying through the air with a scant two jet engines keeping us in the air...okay, two jet engines and physics.

The Sleep Sound Generator--Produces natural sleep sounds, so you can listen to your husband snore, even when he's on a business trip with his secretary.

Commercial Steamer--not to be confused with a Cleveland Steamer.

Portable Currency Counter counts up to 600 bills per minute--for the drug dealer on the go.

"Escape the heat to a backyard that plays Misty for you!" Spring 2005 version has "Mandy" option.

Posted by: greeneyes at 18:15 | link | comments

Funny what you can find wandering aimlessly on the internet.

Posted by: greeneyes at 17:14 | link | comments

Tomorrow is just another day
When I let the sunshine meet my conscience
You told me stories, gave me new ideas
Pretend only you, you know the answers

I wait longing for you baby
Hmm-mmm-mmm
There's no one around me
Wanting me
'Cause you know, and I know
Enough to understand
I'm a warm waiting idol
Above

Posted by: greeneyes at 17:13 | link | comments

Look at life the way it used to be
Easily no matter what you see
Though you'll never have the best of everything,
You have the best of me,
When light shines so bright
It blinds your sight
Remember who you are to me

Be sincere you can't hide what you feel though I know that you do
Be sincere you can't hide what you feel

People tend to talk a lot
Your stories may not come back true
Hope you don't forget your roots baby
What moulded you into the way you came to be?

People tend to talk a lot
Your stories may not come back true
Hope you don't forget your roots baby
What moulded you into the way you came to be

Be sincere you can't hide what you feel though I know that you do
Be sincere you can't hide what you feel.

Hope you won't forget your roots baby

Be sincere you can't hide what you feel thought I know that you do
Be sincere you can't hide what you feel

Posted by: greeneyes at 17:05 | link | comments

Aloe...where's the aloe?...

Nothing like a little red skin to get the fires going...or something like that.

I love football season. The grilling, seeing old friends, the tight ends, the sexiest coach...sigh...

Posted by: greeneyes at 15:10 | link | comments

Bizarre-o

I had a dream last night.  My parents were apparently running a store in their house…all I saw was bread, cupcakes, and ho-hos for sale, which was odd.  I was wearing just a t-shirt…an oversized gray football shirt.  A few people were there, including him.  Most of them noticed me (but didn’t seem to care I had just a t-shirt on) but he never even looked in my direction.  Maybe this thing is wearing me down too much, I don’t know.  Maybe it’s just the unresolved issues.

 

Another part of the dream…I was at a discount department store back at my hometown, shopping with the family.  We bought our stuff (I got a new blouse, which was horrid, but I had bought it anyway) and started to leave.  Then I realized I needed travel things for my trip in a few weeks, so we went back in.  I put my blouse on before we went in…we had to move some heavy stuff, and the blouse ripped open.  So again I was exposed, but nobody cared.  We went up to the counter so I could get my money back for the (ugly, turquoisey) blouse, and who was running the register?  Joey from “Friends.”  It was his first day on the job.  Maybe he should’ve hoped the series ran a little longer…

Posted by: greeneyes at 13:57 | link | comments