Am I really as neurotic as I feel?

Not what I thought

Some fools never learn
Play with the fire
And you're gonna get burned
It's only love
When you're loved in return
Some fools never learn

Posted by: greeneyes at 20:04 | link | comments

I've been crying for over half an hour, largely non-stop. I can't sleep. I won't be able to sleep. I don't know if I've fucked things up. I've told him in the past that I can handle not having him, but it would break my heart if we weren't friends. And it's true. I have no idea what he's thinking, but just the idea of not having him as a friend, not laughing with him, not having him in my life is enough for me to let the tears run incessantly down my cheeks and onto my lap and wonder if hearts actually make a sound when they're torn in two.

I hate that I feel betrayed even though I'm not entirely sure there's something to feel betrayed about. Pissed off, yes, at her, but betrayed? She brings out the worst in me, and I'm sure the same could be said about me in regards to her. They have such polar effects on me...he makes me happy, he makes me laugh until I snort, he makes me feel good about myself...she brings out the cattiness, the jealousy, the moodiness, the bitterness...just goes to show you that opposites do attract.

An hour's worth of crying is enough for one night (I hope), but there will be more tomorrow morning, I'm sure, and tomorrow night. I just have to remember to breathe...keep my shoulders relaxed...and don't look down...

Posted by: greeneyes at 23:12 | link | comments

Ugh.

Posted by: greeneyes at 14:19 | link | comments

Apparently 5 days is too long between blogs...for some people, anyway. ;) Which is odd, considering he hasn't updated his for 2 months? 3 months? Quite a while. (Hint, hint.)

I've been quite happy this week. Good mood, getting work done, new roommate is working out (it's tough rooming with good friends). PMS be damned, it's a happy week.

I might've said something I shouldn't have this evening. I tend to do that sometimes. I didn't mean any harm by it, of course, but that doesn't mean there was no harm. I should just keep my mouth shut, especially if it involves negative energy.

My weekend was great. Had to fight the urge to join the Air Force...the Thunderbirds are awesome, as are the Golden Knights. I'd join the AF if it meant I could hang out with Hottie Hottie Air Force Guy...so hot!!! Tall, perfect teeth, wonderful voice, outgoing, incredibly friendly, beautiful lips...yum!!!!! But of course I'd have to suffer through basic training. I hate it when people yell at me, so I'd be asking for my papers after 3 days. But for Hottie Hottie...I might reconsider.

Posted by: greeneyes at 21:01 | link | comments (2)

You said you're just a regular guy and couldn't quite understand why I feel/felt the way I do/did.

You didn't think of me as the shy fat girl standing against the wall at the party, desperately wishing somebody would come talk to me and wanting so badly to be able to initiate conversation with someone. The girl who looks in the mirror and sees all the imperfections instead of the beauty you saw. You liked me how I am, not how I want to be. You made me happy; you made me feel good about myself.

That's why.

Posted by: greeneyes at 19:13 | link | comments

Oh, and despite what my posting of various song lyrics might indicate, I am fairly happy right now.

Posted by: greeneyes at 22:03 | link | comments

I try not to think about what might have been
'Cause that was then and we have taken diff'rent roads
We can't go back again

There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been

Posted by: greeneyes at 15:38 | link | comments

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

- Nelson Mandela, excerpted from his 1994 South African Presidential Inaugural Address

Posted by: greeneyes at 11:10 | link | comments

Good weekend, despite the fact that I lost horribly at poker. I prefer not to keep track of how much money I lose...this way I can say "Oh, probably just a couple dollars" and still have my dignity in tact. ;)

Saturday was great. Went to the beach with friends, grilled, played Frisbee, hung out and talked. Got a bit of a burn, but I was in need of color anyway. I'm a bit sore from running around. And I can still throw a Frisbee like a pro (okay, not quite, but I'm not horrible).

Saturday night was fireworks and hanging out with friends/co-workers. I was dreading it just a bit for reasons I won't go into, but I had a fabulous time. Got home exhausted.

Today I've just been cleaning...the grill, the kitchen, my room (guess which needed--and still needs--to be cleaned the most). Sunny day. Getting ready for football season.

Posted by: greeneyes at 16:12 | link | comments

I realized this week that I don't know how to mourn. What comes after crying? The tears ebb and flow. I feel as if I didn't grieve enough two weeks ago, even though I cried for four days and I still cry on occasion. What comes next?

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How do you get over someone you technically never dated, so you couldn't have actually broken up, and he's one of your best friends and you talk to him almost everyday and have the same group of friends and you still want to be with him even though he has a girlfriend and you know it wouldn't last forever anyway, but it doesn't matter because you still love him?

Posted by: greeneyes at 22:41 | link | comments