Am I really as neurotic as I feel?

I'll always love you

I remember the two dollar bills you gave us at Christmas. The sugar cookies. Your casserole. Riding in the car as you ran errands. Getting Tootsie Rolls when we went to the bank. Riding my Big Wheel around your apartment. The puzzles in the activity room. Riding in the country, going past your old farmhouse and other points of interest. How you would always worry about me driving home from your place and insisted I call when I got home, unable to sleep soundly until you heard my voice. The tea towels you embroidered every time one of us got married. When the tire blew out on your car a mile away from town and I had to walk to my aunt and uncle's house so they could fix the tire and I couldn't get in the car with anybody because you made me promise I wouldn't, even though it was hot that day. How you made me a Cubs fan. How I thought 'Sammy Sosa' was such a funny name the first time I heard it. How you didn't want me to drink too much milk because you thought I'd get kidney stones (I never did listen to that one).

It breaks my heart that I won't be able to give you a hug on my wedding day. I won't be able to walk down the aisle and see you looking so proud of me. You won't hold my children. I won't hear stories of how Grandpa proposed to you two weeks after you met. I wanted for so long to ask you about everything, to just sit down with a tape recorder and know everything about you and Grandpa and how you managed to raise nine kids and how you survived after Grandpa died even though one of the kids was still in diapers and I don't even know how many were still at home.

You buried a husband, a son, a son-in-law, and a daughter-in-law. Your parents and siblings have long passed over to the other side, wherever that may be. As much as it hurts me, and everyone else, that you're gone, it's comforting to know you're now with people you haven't seen in too long. No more pain, no more confusion, no more medications, no more frustration. Just being with people you love.

I love you more than anyone will ever know, and I will miss you until the next time I get to tell you hello.

Posted by: greeneyes at 18:46 | link | comments (3)

You'd Be the One, Suzy Bogguss

I think Suzy Bogguss has a wonderful voice; she's definitely an underrated singer.

I didn't mean to get this close
It feels too right
And I'll think straighter
tomorrow
If I don't hold you tonight
I realize it's time for me to go
But it seems only fair to let
you know

Of all the things I've wanted to
do and never done
You'd be the one
And if you want to know how
Close I'd ever come
You'd be the one

Looking at it honestly
I guess I knew
I opened up this door
But I can't let you walk through
I have too much to lose if I fall
But if it means anything at all
(RC)

I wear this ring to tell the world
I love one man
But you and I almost got out
Of hand
(RC)

Posted by: greeneyes at 19:16 | link | comments

Boredom is a mind-killer.  I swear I have ADD...no motivation...and a desire to run around screaming while partially naked.  I'm sure the neighbors would love that! 

Posted by: greeneyes at 14:28 | link | comments (1)

Concrete Blonde

Lots of guys can make me laugh
And show me some good time
Treat me nice and want me by their side
Lots of people call themselves my friends
And that's all right
But you're the only one I let inside

You're the only one who leaves me warm and satisfied
You're the only one who takes me wrong and makes me right
Oh and if you took your love away
You'd leave me high and dry
Cause baby, you're the only one can make me cry

Lots of people talking at me
Tell me what is right
And lately I just don't know what to do
Ah, the only thing that matters is
If you're with me at night
Everything's all right when I'm with you

You're the only one who leaves me warm and satisfied
You're the only one who takes me wrong and makes me right
Oh and if you took your love away
You'd leave me high and dry
Baby, you're the only one can make me cry

Posted by: greeneyes at 15:54 | link | comments

Hellooooo?

When I was in high school, I was the "smart one" in my class.  I wasn't the perfect one, I wasn't the pretty one, I was the smart one.  With near-perfect grades in all of the hardest classes, I'd like to think I earned my title.  I studied, of course; I know I earned every single one of my grades.  I'll admit that I looked down my nose a bit at the popular kids, knowing that I was developing skills and study habits that would come in handy in the future while they were off partying and lord knows what all. 

Then I went to college.  Despite all of my achievements, academic and otherwise, I realized I wasn't that great.  There were people smarter than me, some freakishly so.  It didn't bother me at the time, but I began to realize something as time went on.  I lost my identity.  The thing that made me me was no longer there.  I wasn't the smart one.  I lost my competitive edge.  I always wanted to be the best; I always had to win.  Now, I don't care as much.  If I'm playing a game I know I can win, then I'll break out the adrenaline and the trash talking, of course.  But the desire to be numero uno just isn't there like it used to be.   I'd like to join a team (volleyball, perhaps, or bowling--my specialty) but my body wouldn't stand up to regular volleyball practices (I can't even walk or sit without being in some degree of pain) and I'm not sure I love bowling enough (like I used to) to do weekly bowling outings.

This leaves me in a rut.  I should be motivated to do something about it, but I'm not...at least not motivated enough.  I'm in the "gee, I'd like to, but..." stage.  I've been in this stage for quite some time.  I think I'm starting to get sick of it, but it's hard to separate disdain from apathy.  I need someone to kick me in the ass, sort of a boot camp experience.  A coach!  I need a personal coach/cheerleader/drill sargeant.  Maybe I can find one in the classifieds...

Posted by: greeneyes at 22:35 | link | comments