Am I really as neurotic as I feel?

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

Who knew a bunch of rocks could be so insightful...

Posted by: greeneyes at 14:22 | link | comments (1)

It's a cloudy, dreary day, and the sky keeps trying to spittle down on us.  Which is rather appropriate, considering my mood. I need some cheering up. I don't know why I'm feeling blue, but I am.  It wouldn't be so bad if work was keeping me busy, but it's actually painfully slow right now; this is quite the adjustment from last week, when I felt like I couldn't get everything done.  So I sit here, wallowing in a sea of tepid azure melancholy.

Posted by: greeneyes at 16:58 | link | comments

For the last few years, I've been waiting for something big to happen.  Good, bad, anything.  If I'm not doing anything (as in relaxing) I feel as though I should be doing something...cleaning (which is quite often the case), working, studying, saving the world, anything.  This makes it somewhat difficult to fully relax.  You know the meerkat in The Lion King 1.5?  The one who was on lookout duty before Timon took over?  I feel like him, only not quite so on edge.  Sometimes this edginess/anxiety/restlessness results in a (relatively) big change for me.  "Relatively" in the sense that I'm not big on change, so any sort of change is usually "big" for me.

Let me give you last year for example.  I graduated from college in December 2002.  The plan (there's always a plan) was that I would go to grad school at my alma mater the following fall.  I wouldn't have had any problems getting in.  The department knew me and loved me, I had the GPA, I had the GRE scores, I had the references and letters of recommendation, I had the "graduated with honors" on my diploma.  But 5 days before my application was due in March, I called my mom in tears because I didn't want to go to grad school.  I'd planned on going to grad school (in whatever field I was in) for at least the previous 7 years.  What do I decide to do instead?  Move away in August.

What?!?

That's right, move away.  Away from my friends, family, familiarity.  And I did.  I saved up my money and moved to a city; I had no job...just an apartment I paid too much for.  Friends thought I was crazy...I thought I was a little crazy.  But I wanted to get away, I had no significant other, no regular job to tie me down...I was free to do as I saw fit.  And what fit me was moving.

I enjoyed my time in the city.  I eventually found a couple of part-time jobs (one lasted less than 2 weeks, but I enjoyed the other one).  I wasn't rich, but I was on my own.  Self-supporting.  Independent.  It felt so good to be on my own and away from what I was used to.

Then I ended up moving back three months later.

Losersayswha?

I've been back for about 5 months.  I'm glad I moved away, and I'm glad I came back.  (Where was I going with this?  Oh, right...I think...)  I realized I could be away from people and the world wouldn't end.  I gained a newfound confidence (that light dims sometimes, but it's there).  I quelled the restlessness I had been feeling since the GSD (grad school decision).  But...

The restlessness is back.  I know I won't be moving away in the foreseeable future, since I have a pretty good gig right now.  But the desire to go and do something is there.  I don't know what causes the desire to pop up...stress, boredom, both, neither?  Theoretically I could pack some clothes and move to Italy...I'm still single (I don't really anticipate that changing, but who knows what tomorrow might bring?)...I'm a temp at my job (though I will probably be regular full-time in a couple of months)...and I can email and send postcards to my friends and family.  Part of me wants to do that...make it totally on my own.  I suppose that's the feminist in me.  My life right now is fine; I'm self-supporting, independent, mostly happy.  But what else is there?  Lots, I'm sure; I'd like to find out what exactly is out there in the wild blue yonder.  But can I find it without moving halfway across the country or the world?  Hopefully, because moving sucks.  Can I fall in love with someone I can have and lives around here?  I'm sure I can, as there are thousands of guys in the area I've yet to meet, but I've been here for 6 years and I can't help but wonder if I'm SOL, since my pessimistic voice likes to offer up little comments once in a while.

Maybe I just need to decide that I will be happy, I will make the most of what I'm doing right now, and that's that.

Now how do I do that?

Posted by: greeneyes at 19:21 | link | comments

.......my regards to Jason, Sergio, and Diff, also known as Lifehouse

I can't be losing sleep over this, no, I can't and now I cannot stop pacing

Give me a few hours and I'll have this all sorted out if my mind would just stop racing

I cannot stand still...I can't be this unsturdy...this cannot be happening

This is over my head but underneath my feet because by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat and everything will be back to the way that it was

I wish that it was just that easy

I'm waiting for tonight...then waiting for tomorrow...and I'm somewhere in between what is real and just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in

Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again

I don't want to run away from this

I know that I just don't need this

I cannot stand still...I can't be this unsturdy...this cannot be happening

I'm waiting for tonight...then waiting for tomorrow...and I'm somewhere in between what is real and just a dream

Posted by: greeneyes at 20:29 | link | comments

So maybe things aren't so okay with my friend.  I saw her last night; I returned her apartment keys to her (it made more sense for her brother to have them since he lives closer to her than I do).  It was weird.  She looked the same...acted a little differently.  Maybe it was just because she was at work.  I don't know.  But it still doesn't bug me as much as I would expect it...that bothers me (I think).  She didn't seem interested in talking to me...so as of right now, I say screw it.  We'll see how long that lasts.

 

Work has been ubercrazy.  Sometimes I think have a really good hold on things, but then little things (and not so little things) pop up that put me in a tailspin for a short while.  But I suppose that is normal for my line of work.  My new cohort is doing pretty well...I'm pretty much training him, which kind of scares me.  And there are so many things I don't know.  Everyone I work with (or most everyone, as far as I know...those in my division) all say wonderful things about me, so it's definitely nice to have the support of my coworkers.  I guess the others think I'm capable; I haven't messed up horribly...nobody has told me I've messed up horribly, anyway.

I guess I'm taking one day at a time...trying to not let my desk become a monstrous pit yet again (that's going...eh).  The world won't fall apart if I mess up, even on a monstrous mistake.  I think people tend to forget that.  So you didn't get the memo on the new fax cover sheet...Oh no, you sent a fax using an old cover sheet...so what?

Life goes on!

Posted by: greeneyes at 17:15 | link | comments

Things might be okay with my one friend...we chatted the other night.  So who knows what might happen?

 

It's nice to have lunch with friends...I was anxious all morning for no (really) good reason, but with a few good friends around, eating, snacking, chatting, I'm now much more relaxed.

Posted by: greeneyes at 12:57 | link | comments

What do you do when a friendship of over five and a half years starts to drift apart?  I feel like I should take the initiative and schedule some "us" time in order to catch up and find out what's going on in the other's life.  But why can't she be the one?  (I know...if nobody takes action, nothing gets done...)  But it seems like over the years, I've been the one to call her up and see what she's doing Saturday night, if she wants to come over for dinner, whatever.  That could just be my misperception, though.

I start to wonder what it would be like if we didn't hang out anymore, if we didn't really keep in touch.  It bothers me that, for some reason, I don't think our lives would be much different.   I don't think we've had an in-depth, serious discussion...ever.  She's let me down a few times, and at least one of those times practically broke my heart.  I work days; she works nights.  I have my work friends, she has her work friends, and our different social groups don't overlap (though I'm sure if they did we'd all get along fantastically).  She was/is my game buddy--we went to football and basketball games together throughout college.  But she's not getting football tickets this fall (I will be, of course) and we didn't get basketball tickets last season (which will happen once more...they're expensive).  I'm trying to figure out what we have together outside of that, and I've come up with a rather disturbingly short list.

My work friends comprise my gang, my homies, my peeps....my closest friends, including him.  I've had serious discussions with all of them, and because of this I feel closer to them than I do my 5.5-year-friend.  It's like our friendships are on a deeper level; it seems as though we know each other so well, despite the fact that I've worked there (in my current position) for just over 4 months.  I love my work friends...without them I think I'd go bonkers (even more than I already am).  Maybe I shouldn't be comparing my work friendships to non-work friendships.  Not every friendship can be the same; it's the uniqueness in each one that makes us want to remain friends with each other.

I'm just at a loss as to what I should do.  Do I put in the effort and try to spend time with her?  Let our friendship drift off into the sunset?  Wait and see if she does anything?  .....

Posted by: greeneyes at 15:58 | link | comments

EVERYTHING by Lifehouse

find me here
and speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
you are the light
that's leading me
to the place
where I find peace again

you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life
to my soul
you are my purpose
you're everything

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this yeah

you calm the storms
and you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
take me deeper now

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

cause you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything

you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything

you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything

you're all I want
you're all I need
you're everything
everything

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

Posted by: greeneyes at 10:43 | link | comments

Day 1.5 of feeling rather melancholy.  This isn't entirely unusual for me, but it's been a while since a funk has lasted this long.  Even music and baking aren't doing the trick.  Hopefully tomorrow will bring more internal sunshine...and easier breathing (still got the cough)...

Posted by: greeneyes at 22:27 | link | comments

I love music. Not necessarily in the constantly-in-search-of-the-latest-hippest-bands sort of way, but more in the I-hear-a-good-song-and-it-changes-my-mood sort of way. I dance everywhere (usually when I'm alone)...in the bedroom, living room, car, kitchen, sometimes even in the shower (though that is a tad more difficult than the other dancing hotspots). Songs can make me cry. He just emailed me the lyrics to "I've Got You Under My Skin" and sure enough, I got misty eyed. At work. While covering the front desk. So, I couldn't read that one more than once. To save you the search...

Posted by: greeneyes at 12:17 | link | comments